God: creator of land, sea, animals, light, dark, university life, earth, all things big, beautiful and sacred. Oh, and students. On the 6th day, after creating the world as we know it in all its greatness and purity, God couldn’t rest peacefully until he had created his most treasured creation: The Student.
God put the water in the sea, the stars in the sky and the students in debt.
God sat with Student, his masterpiece, to explain to him the commandments that every student must follow.
1. Thou Shall Nap At Every Given Opportunity
Thou shall nap – God instructed Student to rest their beloved head upon their pillow, table or desk at every and any moment possible. “One should never let a slumber opportunity pass” God instructed Student. Student need not protest.
2. Thou Shall Forever Be In Debt
Student pleaded with God, begging God for less extortionate tuition fees. God declined. “One must choose between the creation of free tuition or the creation of jager bombs, tinder and fried chicken” and so it was, tuition fees and university life were to be ridiculously unaffordable for rest of eternity.
3. Thou Shall Waste One’s Student Loan
“Waste it” God said, “Waste it all. Waste it on wine, waste it on gambling, waste it on clothes”. “I don’t care what you waste it on, but make sure you waste it, fast. Whatever you decide to do with it, make sure absolutely none of it goes towards your future, your education and certainly never, ever, ever, ever save a single dime of it”. To check if you’re following this commandment correctly check out these signs.
4. Thou Shall Be Sick 24/7
“I can’t wait to be enjoy the essence of life, to explore the earth you created with such energy and enthusiasm” Student exclaimed. God smirked, for he knew the truth. “You will become sick, very sick indeed. I’m not talking your common cold, I’m talking freshers flu, I’m talking leprosy, I’m talking seeing the light to heaven’s gate”. But God said, blessed are the sick, for they have partied the hardest and have enjoyed university life to the fullest.
5. Thou Shall Endlessly Gain Weight
God informed Student that at the start of their studies they will be a slim, healthy, confident looking individual. “Forget that” God said. “By the end of the first term you will be almost unrecognisable. Your skin will be pale, your will have bags under your eyes the size of Noah’s ark and you will have gained at least 72% body fat”. Every supper will be like the last supper and watch your back because there’s a few Judas’ about.
6. Thou Shall Share Memes
This commandment need not explaining. Following God’s announcement of this commandment, both Student and God nodded in perfect synchrony, mutually respecting the skill and art of sharing the perfect meme.
7. Thou Shall Do All Assignments Last Minute
“You will be warned about upcoming assignments months and months in advance. But this shouldn’t stop you from engaging in a 6 hour red bull fuelled all-nighter at the library the night before the due date”. For help with cheating this commandment check out these tips to help you study more efficiently.
8. Thou Shall Sesh Uncontrollably & Unapologetically
“Seshlehem, the birthplace of my son and the sesh, may you forever commemorate and honour the sesh”. Thou shall Sesh during weekdays, weekends, bank holidays, birthdays, Tuesdays, Halloween, my son’s birthday, Thursdays, the 26th of April, the 27th of April, every single day in April, St Patrick’s day and last but not least Easter Sunday”
9. Thou Shall Be As Messy As Possible
God said to Student “You shall live in a complete an utter tip, washing up must become a myth and you will not only lose odd socks but also your phone, laptop, half your wardrobe and your hopes and ambitions”
10. Thou Shall Live University Life To The Fullest
God instructed Student that whatever the circumstance, no matter how soon the deadline or what your bank account is saying, you must at all time live University life to the fullest.
So there we have it, God’s 10 commandments for university life that each and every student must adhere to if they are to be considered a true student. If studying is getting the best of you, consider using StuDocu to soothe the pain.